The Most Brilliant Lawsuit In History
Have you heard about the man who just filed a lawsuit suing over 1000 people and businesses for more money than actually exists on earth? You might think he’s goofy, but I’ll explain how brilliant the guy actually is.
Anton Purisima is asking that he be awarded $2,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.00. This is also known as two undecillion dollars. The number is so large, my spellchecker doesn’t even recognize the word undecillion.
What brings a man to file such a lawsuit? The main issue is the fact that a dog bit his middle finger while he was riding a N.Y. City bus in October, 2013. While that claim actually has merit, his requested compensation seems a bit high. So he adds other causes of action to his Complaint.
He is suing the LaGuardia Airport Administration because they rent space to a restaurant who has been overcharging him for his coffee for an undisclosed amount of time. He specifically alleges that this overcharge happens “every-time Plaintiff buys his alleged coffee in that alleged Au Bon Pain store at LaGuardia Airport”. That really does sound frustrating doesn’t it? I shudder to think of the evil stare he delivers to the cashier each time they ring up his coffee. Yet, that really isn’t going to add much value to his lawsuit since he could just drink water or go to a different restaurant.
He’s also alleging that an unidentified Chinese couple commonly snaps his photo without his authorization as he “hangs out” at various places in New York, as well as when he was being treated for his injured middle finger (these photo incidents are one basis for a retaliation claim). It is possible that these two photographers are actually spies from China, which makes me wonder why he filed this case in U.S. District Court and not with a tribunal that has international authority. Since he’s asking for more money than actually exists in the world, he should add in the most populous nation in the world, right?
He goes on to allege that he suffered discrimination in the dog bite incident and the coffee overcharge conspiracy because he is “Filipino-American”, so he adds a count of discrimination against the N.Y. City Transit Authority and the Au Bon Pain Store at LaGuarida. I know dogs seem to hate mail carriers, but I’ve never heard of a dog targeting anyone due to the person’s race.
But he doesn’t stop there. He goes on to include further incidents of discrimination and harassment. In a particularly illuminative incident on or about March, 2014, he was cooking rice in his small electric rice cooker on the sidewalk outside LaGuardia Airport (this is the same place he charges his clock), when the Operations Manager informed him that he was not allowed to cook rice at the airport. Purisima points out that the “Port Authority Police (all of them)” informed him that his rice cooker was safe. If each Port Authority Police officer actually did inspect Mr. Purisima’s rice cooker, that is pretty sound evidence of safety. He also points out that he had been cooking rice at that same location (his clock-charging location) for approximately one year. I suspect that the conditions in and around that particular wall outlet are perfectly suited for cooking the most succulent rice Purisima has ever cooked. He points out that all the restaurants in LaGuardia get to cook rice without any harassment at all and that they use “Big-Rice-Cooker[s]”. This also causes me to wonder why he just doesn’t brew his own coffee instead of suffering the “overcharge” discrimination at Au Bon Pain. But maybe soon you will see why he decided to include the middle-man in his daily coffee purchase.
He includes a claim for attempted murder as well, but I didn’t see where he laid out the elements for that in is 22-page handwritten Complaint. In the end, we see the genius in Mr. Purisima’s plan. He tells us that he is not pursuing all these claims for purely personal reasons. He includes a rare, “Donation” section to his pleading in which he agrees to donate 45% of the proceeds of the case to the U.S.A. Mr. Purisima knows that numerous government officials would love to have nearly one undecillion dollars to use in their discretionary budget. He also suspects they are unaware that one undecillion dollars doesn’t actually exist (did you know that before you read this?), so they would be duped into helping him recover it. At that point, he would possess all the money in the world and the U.S. A would have to try to collect their portion after that. But how is the U.S.A. going to do that? The U.S.A. would never be able to afford an attorney to bring their collection action against the uber wealthy Purisima. The guy is an absolute genius! Not only that, he makes great rice and always knows what time it is because his clock is always charged.
If I were the dude running LaGuardia, I’d sue Purisima as fast as I could in order to get a judgment against him for all the electricity he has used over the past year. Clocks don’t use much juice, but rice cookers are notorious for their energy usage. He’s got to be on the hook for at least a couple of trillion dollars, right? They have to beat him to the punch on this one. If LaGuardia sits on their claim too long, they are going to be out, just like the government who won’t be able to afford an attorney. They can file a lien on Purisima and when he collects all the money in the world, he will have to give LaGuardia two trillion dollars, making the manager of LaGuardia the second most powerful person in the world, which is not all that bad considering the alternative.