Your Brain: The Final Frontier

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Chair of Iowa Democratic Party Sought Last Minute Trade

Insiders reveal that the Chair of the Iowa Democratic Party sought an unprecedented trade in the hours leading up to the Iowa Caucuses. Usually, the trading is done after a candidate is elected to office.

“Andy could see the problem before any of us. That’s why she gets the big bucks”, said one young canvasser early Tuesday morning.

According to sources, Dr. Andy McGuire (pictured above), who has been the Chair for the Iowa Democratic Party since January, 2015, sensed that Iowa Democrats were deadlocked between Hillary and Bernie. One teenaged volunteer gleefully said, “both candidates have very attractive platforms. Hillary promises the improbable mix of Sharia law and free and unlimited sex changes and abortions for anyone and everyone, while Bernie offers us free stuff, endless amounts of free stuff! We don’t even care what the free stuff is because free stuff is wonderful. I hope it includes marijuana. I wish we could just put them in a machine and make them into one androgynous person, they or he or she or whatever you call the new life form, could rule the universe… forever!”

Sources close to McGuire said they overheard numerous frantic phone calls between McGuire and consultants for Donald Trump and John Kasich, two candidates who are currently running as Republicans. One source told us they heard McGuire shout, “I know he is on the Republican ticket right now, but there really is no other difference between him and Hillary or Bernie! No, we don’t want Jeb, he’s as useless as O’Malley. Hell, I’ll give you O’Malley right now for ham sandwich! You can keep Jeb, he’s doing us more good for us on your ticket anyway. I need Trump. Crimeny, I’ll even take Kasich!”

wasserman schultz
Democratic National Party Chair, Debbie Wasserman-Schultz

But the trade was not to be. In the end, Hillary and Bernie split the Iowa Democratic ticket and both walked away the losers we all know them to be. The Democrats of Iowa smelled the stench of death on both of them, and still couldn’t bring themselves to vote for O’Malley. The only concern about the whole Iowa caucus is the fact that Trump was still able to tie for 2nd place on the Republican ticket. This gave McGuire a small amount of solace. Another source told us that the Chair of the Democratic National Party, Debbie Wasserman Schultz tweeted, “Even if we can’t get Hillary or Bernie elected, Trump would be great Democrat for us, so vote Trump in New Hampshire”. She suddenly deleted the tweet after being informed that Trump is currently still on the Republican ticket. She told a close associate, “Oh, the trade didn’t go through?”.


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