Your Brain: The Final Frontier

Discovering the obvious and beating it like a dead horse.

Don Jones and the Church of Dolphin

Professional NFL player Don Jones has been shut down to protect the world from his systematic, calculated, message of hate. He’s suspended, paying a fine and is required to undergo educational training if he has any hope of returning to work for the newest religious institution in America, the Church of Dolphin. In addition to all of this, he was required to issue an apology to everyone. That’s right, everyone… not just an apology to the victim of his ignorant one-word rant that was virtually sloshing with hate, but to the entire Miami Dolphins organization as well as all fans. That’s at least 500 more people, right?

The only problem with this is that I am a Miami Dolphins fan. I love the Dolphins. I’ve been rooting for them since Terry Bradshaw retired from the Steelers. My primary reason for being a devoted Dolphins fan is because of their longtime stance on the sanctity of marriage and their defense of the truth that marriage has always been between one man and one woman. They have an awesome corporate policy on recycling and visit sick kids in hospitals too, but the jewel in their crown has always been traditional marriage. Since the earliest days of the Dolphin organization, the owners, coaches, staff and players have all agreed that Genesis 1 was accurate and honorable. I’ve heard they actually play football too.

So I’m a little perplexed by this latest development. Somewhere along the track, the theology of the Church of Dolphin was altered without my knowledge. It now appears that the Dolphins no longer agree with God, nor with the trinity of Don Shula, Larry Csonka and Mercury Morris. Why wasn’t I alerted to this change? Maybe Don Jones didn’t get the memo either. Maybe this was all just a big misunderstanding because we didn’t know any better. I was shocked by Michael Sam’s “kiss” too. I could have tweeted something just as hateful as Don Jones tweeted due to my lack of “education”. Maybe since I’m a fan, the Church of Dolphin will send me to the same educational training as Don Jones.

I should have seen all of this coming though. The world is way different than it used to be. When God created the world, he made fish and birds and water and all that other stuff. Now we have computers and new viruses (electronic and biological), people who are born in the wrong body and affordable health care. I mean, things are so totally different now. So I should have known the Church of Dolphin was going to abandon all the outdated and irrational beliefs I have long known to be true.

CBS Sports helps explain some of Don Jones’ indiscretion on this issue when they point out that his tweet was sent after, “Sam was caught on camera kissing his boyfriend in celebration”. Have you seen that video clip? Saying Sam “was caught on camera” is like saying Brian Williams was “caught on camera” anchoring the Nightly News. Sam was standing in front of at least one video camera and he knew it was there. Why does the media have to play that off like it was a clandestine operation? It seems ingenuous to me. How many other NFL draftees reacted by slapping a big sloppy kiss on someone standing next to them (will full knowledge that they were being filmed)? I’ll venture a guess that the answer is extremely close to “zero”.

Well, we can all rest easy now that Jones’ hatred has been quickly and firmly addressed. As soon as he graduates from the educational training to which he’s been assigned we are sure to see a changed man. This reminds me of Brad Avakian, the Oregon State Labor Commissioner who said that two bakery owners needed “rehabilitation”, after they had declined a request to bake a cake for a same-sex wedding. Of course, that reminded me of the communist regimes under Stalin and Mao. Those regimes had zero tolerance for people who disagreed with the government ideology. Such people were forced into “re-education camps”. And that reminds me that thought police are always nasty people who wish to control everyone out of a villainous thirst for unlimited power.

I guess the only way this could be more disturbing is if Don Jones was a Missouri rodeo clown instead of simply an NFL player. If that were the case, he would have already had the sensitivity training that was mandated after Tuffy the Clown made a joke about President Obama at the Missouri State Fair. Jones would have been terminated on the spot, possibly institutionalized, never to clown around again.

Luckily, we have corporate executives and media outlets that are on the watch for anyone who makes the intolerable decision to think differently than the extremely small minority of LGBT activists. As long as corporate America can issue fines, require “re-education” and exact embarrassing apologies out of those of us who still think for ourselves, the thought police will remain in power and they can do all our thinking for us.

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